


Redemption

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dark, Gen, Post-Avengers (2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A dark twist of fate brings one of my favorite heroes to a standstill. He is simply too good for his own good. Post-Avengers, definitely. Dark, yes. Out of character? Not sure. Maybe you can chalk it up to Loki messing with his head.





	Redemption

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language.

_How do you feel when you have lived your whole life under false pretenses?  
_

_How do you feel when you have been stumbling for years from one mistake to another, never finding any rest?_

_How do you feel when you realize that all you want is peace, but you have become one of those who do not deserve it?_

Clint Barton knows the answers to these questions.

He has always been a bit shy, a little insecure and an all-around good guy. The only problem with that is – nobody knows. To everyone, especially to his employers and co-assassins, he's an overachiever with relentless arrogance and a tendency to get things done no matter the cost. He is remarkably successful – the fact goes hand in hand with him being still alive.

Yet he is something more than that. He is a perfectionist, an idealist. He has pushed himself beyond the realms of what human body and mind are capable of and now his skills, his talents are nothing if not magical, the stuff of myths and legends.

What kind of a man does that? Who goes against his own nature, his own wishes in order to become someone else entirely, a new man, who sets the bar so high no one will be able to surpass it for the next thousand years?

The answer in Clint's mind is plain. A man who has no choice.

In theory, everyone has a choice and Clint knows that. As he thinks back on the days of his past, he knows he could have chosen differently every single time – and would have ended up dead every single time.

It's that streak of stubbornness in him that does it. It keeps him going. He wants to be alive. He's not sure he wants to live – there is a subtle yet importance difference to his mind between being alive and living his life.

He wants to survive. Is that what ordinary people call hope? Does he want to survive so badly because he believes a better life is waiting for him at some point in the vague and distant future? Does he truly believe that the insanity inside and around him is going to end someday?

Does he? He doesn't know.

Something keeps gnawing at him. It's his conscience, his inner self, if he would be sentimental enough to use those terms. And do not think for a second that he is beating himself up about his job. Well, he is, but that's not the issue here. Not exactly.

He blames himself for not dying sooner. He knows he's replaceable – any killer with enough training could do his work just as well. However, not anyone can pull off a job as neatly as he can. He is a master assassin, with supreme knowledge and skill that set him apart and make him the most valuable asset of any agency he has ever served.

Up until now, he has believed it is all somewhat temporary, a charade, a game that he can play for as long as he has to, but he has been planning to eventually stop killing people for a living and do something less strenuous. In fact, he could have stopped working years ago. It bothers him that he hasn't.

He is still an assassin. He has not changed. He has a choice now, not one between life and death, but a choice between life and another kind of life. Why can't he stop? Why doesn't he change? The answer troubles him and though he is trying to come up with a different kind of answer, he knows he will fail in the end.

What he does has become who he is. He has been killing people for so long he no longer feels any desire for... what exactly did he want before, when he thought that his job was nothing but a setback, a time to gather resources before starting his own life? What did he want precisely?

He doesn't remember. He has always been a bit shy, a little insecure and an all-around good guy. But as he looks at himself now, he cannot see any of these things or remember any of his plans that would go along with those traits. Nothing in his life says that he is shy, he's most definitely not insecure and as for being a good guy, well, he's given up on that a long time ago.

He's working for the government, sure. He's doing what's best for civilization, sure. He's called a superhero, okay. But none of that makes him a good person. A good person would have let himself be killed before killing anyone. A good person would have tried his best to stay away from criminals, assassins, spies and secret agents. A good person would be an idealist who actually lived by his ideals. Or died by them is more likely.

He has saved the world, true. Is that enough for redemption? Is it? Clint Barton does not know.

He does know this. There is no better life waiting for him around the corner and no power in the world can grant him a future free of insanity, of lies, of deceit. He is the deceiver. He (and he alone) has done to himself for free what he has been doing to other people for money.

He has killed his own self. It did not hurt a bit and the fact bothers him less than it should.


End file.
